


XO

by icedcoffeebro



Category: Law & Order: SVU
Genre: Angst with a Hopeful Ending, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Song: XO (Fall Out Boy), Songfic, coworkers with benefits, mentions of nsfw
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-30
Updated: 2019-08-30
Packaged: 2020-09-30 10:30:54
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 975
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20445680
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/icedcoffeebro/pseuds/icedcoffeebro
Summary: Loving Rafael Barba has never seemed like an option.





	XO

**Author's Note:**

  * For [snnycarisi](https://archiveofourown.org/users/snnycarisi/gifts).

> Listen to the song's tone too https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CJnnNZWB2Xw

_I comb the crowd and pick you out_

Sonny casually walks up to Rafael as he exits the courthouse. 

Nothing any random passerby would notice; he’s just a detective, talking to an ADA.

_My mouth moves too fast for you to figure it out_

“I’m free of night school today,” he says, putting his hands on his pockets.

_It starts eyes closed to fingers crossed_

“The usual?” Rafael says, hailing a cab. He hasn’t even turned to look at Carisi once.

_"To I swear, I say"_

“Sure,” Sonny says. Rafael waves him away from the passenger seat of the taxi.

_"To I swear, I say"_

If this is the only way they can have each other, then Sonny is fine with it.

Not like he’s ready to even fathom the idea of _falling_ for Rafael.

__________________________________________

_To hands between legs, to "whatever it takes"_

Rafael is leaving bruises on his thighs from how hard is grabbing him as he eats his ass out, Sonny holds on to his hair to ground himself. 

_To drinks at the club to the bar_

Their usual arrangement isn’t the most convenient, but they don’t seem to be up to discussing any changes. They always attend different hotels, start their night at the bar, and end it between the sheets.

_To the keys to your car_

Sonny always picked up Rafael from his apartment. The thought of everything being easier if they just met there had crossed Sonny’s mind. But he preferred the lack of intimacy a hotel room gave them. He doesn’t want that. Specially not with Rafael.

_To hotel stairs to the emergency exit door_

The first time they had done this, Sonny felt so sick he locked himself out on the emergency stairs to dry heave. He felt so guilty, so dirty. 

But he ended up coming back, Rafael has a spell on him. 

_To the "love", I left my conscience pressed_   
_Between the pages of the Bible in the drawer_

The hotel room seems so unfamiliar, but Sonny can trust there will be a Bible, and he’ll open it once the act is done and Rafael is asleep. And he’ll read different passages. Catholicism is all about forgiveness, even for repeat offenders. 

_"What did it ever do for me" I say (I say, I say, I say)_

He doesn’t know how this will end up. Probably with Rafael having to transfer back into Brooklyn.

_It never calls me when I'm down_

They won’t end up falling in love, Sonny is convinced he’s unlovable. He feels he has no ownership over anything in his life.

_Love never wanted me_

His guilt is not about homosexuality; he made peace with that long ago. 

The issue is laying with someone so casually, without any love or wanting to make a deep connection. 

It’s just fucking.

_But I took it anyway_

Could he love Rafael?

_Put your ear to the speaker_

He turns to face Rafael, sleeping peacefully, his breathing steady. He could easily lean in and kiss him if he wanted.

But that’d mean something.

And they can’t have that.

_And choose love or sympathy_   
_But never both_

He sighs. They have to stay the night, it’s part of the arrangement. No one has commented on the fact Sonny drops Rafael off at One Hogan Place.

Sonny would just shrug if they did, anyways. 

_Love never wanted me_

He traces his fingers through Rafael’s lips. They can touch each other, there’s nothing against it. They always have the lights on, and there’s been nights when they cuddle. Sonny shouldn’t think there’s anything wrong about what he’s doing. But it feels more intimate than anything they’ve done. He focuses on Rafael’s lashes, and notices (_really_ notices) for the first time that they’re just like his eyebrows; blonde. He wonders if he dyes his hair. 

_To hands between legs, to "whatever it takes"_   
_To drinks at the club to the bar_

He feels like he’s seeing Rafael for the very first time. Even when they’ve been intimate so many times. He’s never noticed he sleeps with his mouth slightly open, with his two front teeth peaking out. 

_To the keys to your car_   
_To hotel stairs to the emergency exit door_

Sonny lets out a sigh. He brushes his knuckles ever so lightly through Rafael’s cheek, and he leans into the touch. He cups his face then, and he’s not sure if Rafael’s just dreaming, but he nuzzles into it.

_To the "love", I left my conscience pressed_   
_Between the pages of the Bible in the drawer_

He feels his heart doing sommersaults. 

Could this mean…?

_"What did it ever do for me" I say_

_No._

_ _It never calls me when I'm down_ _

_Rafael opens his eyes, his eyelids heavy, Sonny stares into his deep green eyes. _

_“Carisi,” he whispers._

_And Sonny can’t help it, he leans in and closes the distance between them. Rafael obliges, more than willing. _

_ _Love never wanted me_   
_But I took it anyway_ _

_They kiss until their lips are sore, and neither one of them speaks at first. Rafael has his hand on Sonny’s chest, while Sonny is still cupping his face. _

_ _Put your ear to the speaker_   
_And choose love or sympathy_ _

_“Do you…” Sonny starts._

_“Yeah,” Rafael says, then smirks. _

_ _But never both, no_ _

_“Since when?” _

_“A while, you?” Rafael replies._

_“Just now,”_

_“Then you’re braver than me, Detective,”_

_ _To the "love" I left my conscience pressed_ _

_“Call me Sonny,”_

_ _Through the keyhole I watched you dress_ _

_“Sonny” Rafael sighs it out. _

_ _Kiss and tell_ _

_He kisses Sonny again. _

_ _(Loose lips sink ships)_ _

_This could ruin everything. _

_ _To the "love" I left my conscience pressed_ _

_Or fix it. _

_ _Between the pages of the Bible in the drawer_ _

_Depends on the risks they’re willing to take. _

_ _"What did it ever do for me" I say_ _

**Author's Note:**

> twitter: @rafaelbarbae
> 
> comments and kudos keep me writing!!!
> 
> also please help me decide my next fic https://twitter.com/rafaelbarbae/status/1167130155514507266?s=20


End file.
